sigh-ness

sigh. is it just me? i seem to feel that i'm being loved much lesser than before. you've got ur newly found friends, i got no one. you spend more time with them than with me. i'll be lying if i say i'm not upset that you have your new friends. i really am upset. i'm so out of place. time spend with me becomes lesser. and i know time spent with me may not be as fun as time spent with them. i'm really trying my best to make every second spent with me is exciting and fun.

and i know you were keeping something from me. something that hurts me real bad. the fact that you even thought about doing it makes me so depressed. haven't you learn your lesson? have you forget about 80-20 thingy? do you want history to repeat itself? it has become much difficult to trust you fully now. you may say its temporary and it's a 'play' thing, but havent you thought about my feelings? if you wanna take the r/s as a 'play', well, i can do it do.

it has become difficult for me to appear in ur blog posts. even our eleven month, it doesnt really feel like our anniversary. sometimes i wonder if we can make it as far as you always said. at this stage, i feel its almost impossible. each time i make a statement about something, you counter back with your angry tone thinking i'm insulting you. your tolerance level has decreased? i really do not know what to do. and if i dont say a word, you'll say i'm angry at you. then what am i supposed to do?

well, i just hope everything turns out fine. i really love you so much and do not want to lose you again. i have given in so much to this r/s but it seems that you're taking advantage of it. sometimes its no use being too nice.
4/06/2009 04:20:00 PM

jaded

26/12/2008		10:35:09 PM		Cath.		*yusri*- moral fibre		i swear to god im not playing you
26/12/2008		10:35:19 PM		Cath.		*yusri*- moral fibre		im not treatingyou like a substitute
26/12/2008		10:35:26 PM		Cath.		*yusri*- moral fibre		it's just difficult for me

alright, i trust you. i really do. you're right, we're always bickering about this. it's cos i cant seem to understand what u really are trying to do. what is in ur mind right now. i just don't get it when u say it's not the time. i really don't know what ur trying to achieve. for the team? didnt he say that he wants to leave the team if u were to leave him? and u did leave him. did he leave the team? no. he even tried to make friends with me. and that is really creepy. u said urself he is a liar. and there's proof and evidence to back that up. what's holding u up, seriously? i dont get it. u don't want to hurt his feelings? he seems fine to me. seriously. and i'm sure the others understand about ur situatuion now that u've told them the other day. i'm not being impatient here, but u keep saying, 'it's not the time for us to be tgt yet'. how am i supposed to know when is the correct time? will my 'plan' workout on the 6th jan? at this rate we are going, i don't think it is. and i'm just sad, having to wait and keep pretending. is it really difficult for u to end it all? ur just assuming all the bad possibilities. it's really the same when ur about to leave him. i had to step in and really begged u to do it. i think, if i didnt that day, u'll still be tgt with him. ur just not courageous enough. i really need u to be courageous and do it. i'm really so tired of all this. grr..
12/27/2008 05:42:00 PM

breakeven

thanks for making my xmas a very special one. though there's nothing much, i felt that it was special cos i got to spend it with you. nothing else matters when i get to be with you. thanks again love!

here i am all alone again at home. feeling all sian again. i just cant seem to get enough of you. though i spent almost the whole day with u yesterday, i just cant get enough of u. hopelessly, falling in love with you, every single day.

u told me u mean every single word that you said, i trust you. i'll be lying if i said i don't feel paranoid at times. i would think of what you and him will do when you and him are tgt. and i really hate that feeling. not saying that i dont trust you, but its a natural feeling. when someone breaks the trust, it really is quite difficult to fully trust the person again. i need you to help me. do ur part as well. pls?

u want me to hang out with them. yes, i can. but not all the time. i really do not have the spending power to go out with them all the time. when they go out, they watch movie and that costs money. and me = no $$. :/ and no offense though, i just cant seem to 'click' with them. i really don't know why. maybe its the jokes they make? or they're just plain boring in my eyes. and i hate it when he's around. awkward-ness to the max. i have to put up a false pretense all the time.

i really want us to be back tgt again, like old times. where everything is just too sweet to be true. WHAM! back to reality. that wont happen. i really don't want you to spend time with him and only him. it really makes me go insane when i know that u'r meeting him alone. i hate it. u can tell me ur just treating him as a friend, but from his pov, he'll see it as an opportunity to get u back. and i really don't want that.

i'm waiting every single day, hoping that this will end asap. you need time, i give you time. but all i can say is that there's a limit to everyone's patience. i can't wait forever.

soccer is in 3-4 hours time. zzz tmr and sun training. sunday, will be going out with amal and shen. really looking forward to that. darn bored now. zzz. bye.
12/26/2008 07:29:00 PM

thinking too much?

thanks for making it happen. appreciate your courage. wasnt that difficult afterall right? but something just doenst feel right. i'm still not feeling it. i dont know if it's just me or what. maybe yes, you do show me your love, when we're both alone. but i dun get it why do u have to hide it from others? u still care about him and his feelings? yes, i know u want to be good friends with him, but u dun have to ignore me and sit next to him when we eat. i was lying if i said i wasnt angry just now. how can i not be? its really not easy for a person to trust another once he knows everything. and i'm just trying my best to trust you, but you're not doing your part. i cant do this alone baby. you have to do ur part as well. you have to convince me you really love me and show some actions. words can only go so far. i barely feel any love right now. instead, i feel that you're much closer to him than to me. that's what making me so sad and angry. or maybe u need some more time. ur busy and all this week cos its your bestfriend's birthday. yes i understand. but.. and next week is his birthday. fuck! god knows what u'r planning for him. and chalet is coming. i really do not feel like going. i feel so out of place. i really do not like the feeling. all i want now is to spend time with you like old times. i really love you very much. <3

pls understand my situation baby. i know you don't want to hurt him but what about me? :'(
12/20/2008 08:14:00 PM

dumbfuck

i know i'm being such a dumbfuck by waiting. i know i should be moving on and looking for others.
but no, i really cant do it. my love for you is really strong. and after what you said to me yesterday and after what had happened these few days, my love for you has grown much stronger. i really wish that you can make your decision real soon because i cant stand to wait any longer. its really difficult for me . i cant bear to see you being happy with that bloody fucker. pls..... i'm begging you.... i cant wait any longer..... pls... :'( dont play with my paperheart.
12/15/2008 10:41:00 PM

goal scored!